The news cycle has been dominated by allegations of sexual harassment and assault affecting men such as Brett Kavanaugh and a variety of other men both in and out of Hollywood. And while this constant bombardment of disturbing news can be exhausting, it has also allowed for an extremely beneficial conversation about the importance of consent. Because sexual assault has, unfortunately, become a more mainstream topic, so has a woman’s right to say “no”. But while we can all agree that recognizing a woman’s ability to deny a sexual advance without negative repercussions is extremely important, there still seems to be a societal aversion to a woman’s right to say “yes”.
It all comes back to that horrible double standard: if a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she’s a “slut” or a “whore”, but if she chooses to refrain from a lot of sexual activity, she’s a “prude”. Either way, she is labeled negatively. Whatever the views on this double standard, it is obvious that a man’s right to say “yes” is much stronger and granted more dignity. But why?
A major impediment to women’s ability to say a strong “yes” is the humiliation they might experience if they were to express their sexuality in the way they want. There is a sort of “humiliation scale” that polices female sexuality by ascribing a certain amount of humiliation to a woman’s sexual expression. In other words, the stronger her “yes”, the more society humiliates her. And the humiliation ascribed to her is dependent on a variety of factors. Is she vocal about her enjoyment of sex? Is she having sex with a variety of partners? Is she treating sex as a serious and important event in her life? All of these factors affect female sexuality, yet rarely male sexuality.
Female sexuality in and of itself is seen differently than male sexuality. Male sexuality is viewed as uninhibited and unable to be controlled. It is seen as just another part of male behavior, and therefore nothing to be ashamed of. People expect men to engage in nonmonogamous sex and be open with their enjoyment of it. Female sexuality, on the other hand, is viewed as the exact opposite. It is assumed that women take sex more seriously than men and are incapable of having enjoyable, unattached sex. It therefore denies women’s ability to enjoy sex purely for its own sake, because women are assumed to take sex too seriously and expected to engage in it only with someone of extreme importance to them. As actress Scarlett Johansson stated in the July 2017 issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine, “When women talk about enjoying sex, it’s almost forbidden. Just having a healthy sexual attitude, you are labeled as loose, wild, a slut. You have no morals, and you’re seen as some kind of sexual deviant or someone who can’t be in a monogamous relationship.”
This view of female sexuality leads to another aspect of the double standard: the Madonna-Whore complex. Originally coined by Freud, it defines the distinction of women men choose to desire and women men choose to respect, therefore assuming the two are mutually exclusive. Basically, a man with a madonna-whore complex will lust for a specific type of sexual woman, but will never respect her as “wife material”. The irony in this complex is glaring. Men want women to be fun, forward, and uninhibited in bed. They see hypersexualized women in media and think “now that’s a girl I want”. And yet if a woman really is fun, forward, and uninhibited in regards to her sexuality, she is immediately labeled “promiscuous”– a quality no man wants in the woman he’s taking home to mom. It’s quite literally impossible for women to be everything that men with this complex want. This complex, though perhaps not scientifically accurate, is still perpetuated in society today. This shows that a woman with a strong sexual identity– a woman who is aware of her desires and doesn’t hide her sexuality– will still be considered less respected than a woman who internalizes her sexuality. And yet society is bombarded by media constantly hypersexualizing and objectifying women. Through media, young girls are taught that their self worth comes from their desirability to men; that their main form of social capital is their sexuality. Women are torn in two different directions. They can either embrace their sexuality, use it as a form of currency, and remain highly desirable to men or lose society’s respect and choose to keep their sexuality hidden thereby losing desirability to men, yet perhaps earn more overall respect from society. Men, on the other hand, can have it all. They can be sexual and intelligent. Have an enjoyable sex life and remain moral and professional.
So how do we fix this? It’s important to note that the answer is not “get rid of all shame regarding sexuality”. A healthy amount of shame in regards to sexuality is necessary. Sexual activities are often not value neutral; when we violate these values, we should be ashamed of it. Immoral sexual activity, such as incest or rape, should be considered a violation of moral values, and therefore should cause shame in the perpetrator. However, it is an acceptable goal to try to reduce female sexual shame. It is not outlandish to suggest that male and female sexual shame should be equalized. And similarly, it is not unrealistic to believe that female sexuality should be treated with the same amount of respect as male sexuality. As Johansson said, “Of course, it’s private and it’s your body, but we should take the stigma away.” If we can slowly chip away at the stigma surrounding healthy female sexuality, we will be one step closer to an equal society; a society where women can be both sexual and respected. And that sounds like a win-win.
By: Cianna Allen