In third grade one of my schoolmates, who I’ll call Nancy, used to call me Blubber Girl. And I believed her. I felt massive, like a whale, a huge blubbery whale. Eventually, the teacher intervened.
“How do you think Jenny feels when you say that, Nancy?”
“I dunno.”
“Jenny, how do you feel?”
I want to die. Send me off to my death with a bowl of chocolate ice cream.
“Um,” I said, trying not to cry, “It hurts my feelings.”
That was my first experience with public fat shaming. But it was not my last. Notice I said public. My family, who watched every morsel that passed my lips, had already shamed me at home.
Let me say this now. I was not fat. I was chubby. I wasn’t lean, but I was not obese. This was a different time, before the obesity epidemic. Any kid who wasn’t lanky was noticed. My parents didn’t mean to screw me up. But between them and Glamour magazine, I was a goner.
I was always worried about my weight. An undercurrent was there, a constant nagging, despite the occasional moments of feeling good about myself: You’re fat. You’re bad. But I was never fat. I was always bigger than the skinny girls, but I was never fat. And I was never bad.
Eventually, I developed a full-blown eating disorder. I snuck food and binged. My mother hid food from me. I dieted obsessively, exercised chronically, and the destructive cycle began. One summer in high school, I went on a diet and I got skinny. I had never felt sexy before, and it was exhilarating. I was on the beach in a white bikini. I was hot. I felt this guy watching me. He was hot. I went in the water, he followed. I had never been “that girl.” Of course, it was because of my body, right? Yes, maybe a little, but I also think it was my confidence. I felt good when I felt skinny.
But the die had been cast. I went to college and panicked about the “freshman fifteen,” so I lost weight. I exercised so much I got debilitating shin splints. Sophomore year, I made up it by eating, a lot, then dieting. Junior year I lived in Italy, where I gained weight and sometimes dieted. I had a hot Italian boyfriend and was happy. Senior year, I sometimes dieted, sometimes not. Up and down. One saving grace was that I loved sports. I ran, albeit to lose weight, but I also swam and played soccer. I am convinced that if I had been left alone, I’d have developed a healthy body image and a normal size for my bones.
And here’s when the metamorphosis took place. It was not when I lost those pesky five pounds. It was when I got sick of the roller coaster, sick of the mean girl inside my head. I learned about eating disorders and dieting. I saw the connection. Decades of dieting had ruined my self-esteem and created my dysfunctional eating.
Our bodies know when they are hungry and when they are full. I started listening to my body. I stopped eating enormous portions out of fear of future deprivation. I also stopped depriving myself, so there was nothing to be afraid of. When I was full, I stopped eating. I began to enjoy food rather than fear it.
I stopped treating myself in that mean way I’d never treat a friend. I stopped thinking “you look fat.” I stopped equating my looks with my self-worth. I’m me, and nothing can change that. I’ve been me since that mean girl called me names back in third grade. I’ve done a lot in my life: been in a rock band, gone to graduate school, gotten married, made two babies, done stand-up comedy, written a novel. None of these have to do with body size. Not one.
I’m the right size for me. And the big secret is, so are you.
Jenny Kanevsky lives in Austin, Texas with her husband, two sons, three cats and one lizard. Read more from Jenny at her blog In Other Words.
23 comments
Thank you for sharing the details of your experience in this great post. You hit the nail on the head when you mention the nagging undercurrent of worry about weight, as I've been through ups and downs with my weight myself. I especially like your ending though about all the wonderful things you've done in your life that matter so much more than appearances.
Standing up and applauding for you!!
Thanks Kristin!
Thanks, Kristin!
Such an important topic to talk about, and a cycle that can be really hard to admit (at least it was, and is, for me). Thank you for being willing to share your story!
Haha. I'm Italian and Jewish!
It's so good to be reminded that I am not that voice in my head that has a list of neg. things to say about me. It's important to remember that I'm great just the way I am. Your writing is so easy to relate too. I really liked the secret at the end. We all need to be reminded of that. Bravo
jenny, this is wonderful! the sentence that really speaks to me is this:" I stopped treating myself in that mean way I’d never treat a friend." i can't even begin to count all the mishagoss that applies to! by the way, a wonderful friend who knows no yiddish said, when i translated 'mishagoss' as slightly affectionate way of referring to specific neurotic behavior' said 'oh yeah. for italians mishagoss means 'whatsa matta you?!'
Thanks, Mom. I'm sure it was hard to read. But, I'm OK. I love you.
This is such an important topic. We need to stop shaming and hurting one another and in turn hurting ourselves. Thank you so much for your honesty.
Thank you for shining a light on an issue that so many of us have struggled with for so long. I don't necessarily agree with the general consensus of physicians, and many others, that being overweight is a "diet and exercise" issue. The stigma that goes hand in hand with being what society considers overweight…the labels "fat, lazy, slovenly, stupid"…need to stop. No one…let me repeat NO ONE…wants to be overweight. I believe strongly that there's a psychological aspect to this "epidemic" of overweight-ness, that should be explored. Great post!
Jenny, thanks for sharing this. I think it speaks to many of us who were shamed for being minimally over the culturally accepted weight when we were young. I’m so glad you’re in a better place now!
Your mature perspective and wisdom shines through. Painful to read that it took so much time to find the true you inside.
Fat shaming is so damaging and I’m sorry you went through that. I read something on FB the other day that resonated with me. It said: You are NOT fat. You HAVE fat. Just like you have fingernails…but you are not fingernails.
Michelle, I love that. It takes the power away from the word. I don’t even like the word “fat” because of the negative connotation, but if you take the charge out of it, and use it the way you did, you “have” it, it doesn’t define you. I like that. Thank you for sharing.
I have the opposite reason for the same experience. I have been thin all of my life, flat chested in a country that adores large breasts. I have been on dates where mid-meal the guy has stopped eating and confessed, “I can’t. I need breasts to get turned on, and so, I can’t do this.” All over bodies. I loved this post. Especially how much we do, with or without the visual of our bodies.
Yes, Alexandra. We are so much more than our bodies, our faces, our hair, our physical appearance. It’s such an important perspective. Also, thank you for reminding us that body-shaming is not reserved for fat. It is an unrealistic “ideal” body type that hurts everyone.
I can truly relate. I have never ever been skinny, 'sexy' or 'normal'. Even as a child, I've always been round, chubby, 'big boned' and all the other terms like that. And I've also experienced the fat shaming, by family, friends, parents of friends. But you're right that the only thing that makes a difference is the voice inside us. There are days, even at 40, when I don't do so well. But I also know better now and have moved closer to a healthier sense of self. Thank you for writing this Jenny!
Thank you both for reading and commenting. It's so important to speak out about it. Not just for ourselves but for girls of the future.
This story could be mine, and is the story of so many women. This is what I write about regularly at The Chef's Last Diet; blogging about food in an effort to free myself, definitely a work in progress.
Thank you!
Perfectly said. Thank you so much, I needed to read this today!