The key to a happy relationship does not rely on codependency. In fact, I would argue quite the opposite: some semblance of independence is required by both partners to ensure the longevity of the romance. Who you are as an individual should remain intact when entering a relationship. Growth is expected as the two of you figure out how to blend individualities so that you both may adequately lead individual lives, together. 

Individuality stems from a myriad of factors. In recognizing such factors, you can feel empowered to request the space that is necessary for all relationships, romantic or not. This request for space does not diminish the love you have for the other person but acknowledges the valid human need for moments of solitude. By solitude I do not necessarily mean being completely alone, rather I refer to the term in the sense of extracting oneself to process thoughts and emotions of their own accord. 

To do this, one must be in-tune with their own emotions, which seems easy in theory but can be difficult when determining how your feelings affect the other. Disassociate the two. In understanding how you feel, you not only are better able to stand up for yourself and for what you believe, but you are better equipped to be sympathetic or more understanding towards the feelings of your partner. Keep in mind that everyone experiences emotions differently and that stifling those emotions for the benefit of your partner is toxic. When we come to accept our emotions on an individual level, it is for the benefit of the relationship as a whole. In order to strike this balance between your emotional and physical self, take the time to do the things that help you clear your head- whether that be taking a jog around the neighborhood, meditating, or even talking with a therapist. 

A part of recognizing your emotions is taking into account what sparked joy in your life before entering the relationship, and continuing to partake in such activities throughout. While a great benefit of being in a relationship stems from sharing your life with someone, it is crucial to delegate specific time to activities that are done just for you. Independence in a relationship is a learned concept. Many couples feel comfortable with codependency without realizing, before it’s too late, that it brought the demise of their relationship. 

Independence in a relationship relies on the notion that the two of you are not only good together, but also good without the other. Codependency, on the other hand, proves that the two of you are so good together that one cannot function without the other. In this codependent relationship, you each lose sight of individual hopes and dreams, effectively losing pieces of yourselves as you each subscribe to a morphed ideology of what the other wants from the relationship.

Did you catch that? What the other wants from the relationship, not what you want. When entering a relationship certain aspects of your personal life should remain fixed. Of those aspects, your core values should not change for anyone. In fact, in recognizing and holding true to your core values it becomes easier to identify whether your significant other’s core values align with yours. 

Remain passionate about the things you were interested in before the relationship began. It is important to cultivate these passions so you can continue to grow within and outside of the relationship. To do this, set aside time each week that is dedicated to solely to participating in activities that elicit individual joy. Go out with your friend group without your partner, try a new hobby, explore different parts of town alone- essentially, extend your reach beyond those of you and your significant other. These moments become shared experiences by first confronting them on your own.

The take-home message is this: you don’t have to make your significant other the center of your universe in order to have a happy and successful relationship. Gaining independence in a relationship allows for loving yourself first and foremost. That self-love coupled with the love you have for the other person creates a pure love that is free from stifling resentment, jealousy, and miscommunications. Love and independence are not unrelated topics; they coincide to grant you the freedom to pursue healthy relationships with yourself and others.

By: Rachel Ladeby