When Anthony Weiner, the former congressman who resigned amid a sexting scandal in 2011, announced his intention to run for mayor of New York, his wife Huma was there to lend her support. Two weeks ago, reports surfaced that Weiner had renewed his sexting habits not long after making a public apology and vowing never to stray again. At a press conference, Weiner told those assembled that he had already confessed to his wife and she had forgiven him his further indiscretions. Huma, chief of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s transition team, stood beside her husband and assured the media that she had, in fact, forgiven her husband and was there to support him in the mayoral race.
Seeing Huma step forward to defend her husband and vow to stand by him was puzzling to many women (and some men, for that matter). It is often easy for women to say, “There’s no way I would put up with that.” Ironically, Hillary Clinton herself, in an interview when Bill was running for President, was asked about his alleged indiscretions. Her reply? “You know, I’m not sitting here like some little woman standing by my man…I’m sitting here because I love him, and I respect him, and I honor what he’s been through and what we’ve been through together…if that’s not enough for people, then heck, don’t vote for him.” At the time she brushed aside many of the rumors about Bill and other women.Years later, she would continue to stand beside him even as the sordid details of his affair with a White House intern were trumpeted by the national media.
The Clintons have stayed together despite Bill’s infidelity
So, why do women choose to stand by and support the men who have betrayed them? There are surely almost as many reasons as there are women in this position, as every situation is different. However there are a few common themes that appear in these stories. Fear of failure, desire to keep the family together and self-blame..
Many of the stories in the news involve women in powerful positions: political rising stars, television or movie celebrities, famous musicians, etc. These women have dedicated their lives to becoming successful. Failure is simply not an option. If what they’re doing isn’t working, they will try harder. They do not want to be seen as weak or flawed. Marriage is supposed to be a lifetime commitment. What does it say about these women if they “give up?” It may seem silly to those who haven’t had the experience, but in the moment it is a very real emotion and it’s not limited to especially powerful women. The first time my former husband cheated on me, we’d been married two and a half years. We had no children and we were both in our mid-twenties. I could have walked away and started over. Yet, as he broke down in tears after a business trip and confessed his infidelity, I felt an intense sense of loss. Our marriage was now marred, as if someone had slashed a charcoal line across a clean white cloth. It would never go away, it would always be there. I sobbed as I realized something had forever changed within our relationship- and yet, I did not want to quit. Marriage was forever–what would it say if we quit after such a short time? The entire future picture of my life was on the verge of disappearing and I didn’t want that to happen. I didn’t want to start over. I didn’t want people to give me that fleeting, judgmental look when I said I was divorced. Many women feel the same way. To give up would be to fail at one of the most significant ventures of their lives.
Actor Balthazar Getty and his wife Rosetta separated for a year while he had an affair with Sienna Miller, but later reconciled and are currently still together.
Along with failure, women are often motivated by a desire to keep the family together. When Weiner’s sexting exploits first came out, Huma revealed that she was pregnant with the couple’s first child and chose to stay with him and raise the baby together. Many pregnant women choose to stay with men who have cheated because they cannot imagine leaving and raising the child alone. Not long after their son was born, Weiner renewed his sexting habits; sources say Huma now fears putting all of her energy into her son left a void that Weiner filled with his old ways. Some women consider leaving after a betrayal, but cannot imagine severing their relationship, knowing their child will grow up with no memory of the family having ever been together. They choose (as I did) to keep the family together, believing that the relationship can be repaired and that any short-term pain will be worth raising their children in a home with both their mother and father.
Finally, many women stay because a part of them feels responsible for their spouse’s actions. Of course, men who stray typically find reasons to justify their behavior; blaming their wives helps them avoid looking at their own mistakes. The first time my then-husband cheated, he pointed out that I had gained fifteen pounds since we had gotten married, while he had stayed the same. This is a ridiculous reason to cheat, yet a part of me wondered if it was my fault for being less desirable. Over the next three months I lost that weight and got in the best shape of my life up to that point; yet any time my weight fluctuated after that I secretly feared it would cause my husband to stray again. That’s a terrible thing for a woman to do to herself. In Huma’s case, she is said to blame herself for stopping marital counseling after her son was born and turning her attention to caring for her infant. In my case, my then-husband began an affair (his second cheating episode) just a few weeks after our first child was born. He’d gotten a promotion and was under a lot of stress at work and he felt I was not “there” for him. As a first-time mom, I was intently focused on doing my best to care for our child. The truth is I was focused more on my baby than my husband. Huma probably was too. Babies demand our attention. Husbands can fend for themselves, infants cannot. Yet like Huma, many new mothers who learn their husbands have cheated wonder if they are to blame. Unfortunately, some men will always find some reason to cheat, whether it be a new baby, a wife who has gained weight, stress from work, too much time apart–any reason will work. Sadly, many women will take the blame, which enables the men to continue their cheating ways. The truth is, a lack of integrity is what causes a man to cheats; it is not his wife’s fault.
Women, don’t blame yourselves for your husbands’ choices
For me, that’s the crux of the issue. While there are a very few men for whom infidelity is a one-time, terrible decision they instantly regret and never repeat, the majority of the time, if the woman can look back objectively, she will see there have been patterns of betrayal and disrespect in the relationship. I do not believe women should ever blame themselves. They should seek counsel and look at why they have chosen to tolerate the disrespect . In my case, I was committed to my marriage no matter what; my ex-husband ultimately left me for the third woman he cheated with during our marriage. It took that experience for me to finally connect with a strong, supportive female counselor who helped me see my codependent pattern and the past experiences that helped mold me into a person who would do anything to keep my marriage intact. Some of the best advice I got was to envision my situation happening to my daughter. Would I want her to accept that type of treatment? Did I really want to model for her that we as women should continue to live in that kind of relationship? All of the well-intentioned reasons for keeping a marriage and a family together must be weighed against the health of the resulting relationship. Keeping things together at any cost is no gift to anyone. I can’t say what drives Huma Abedin to stay with Anthony Weiner. Hopefully, he truly is working on changing his patterns of behavior. But it would be unfortunate if the many “average” women who watch stories like these unfold believe that they too must stand by their men even after betrayal.
Ava Jensen is a writer and devoted mom of two children. She loves building communities with other women – online and in person – as is excited to be writing for LipstickandPolitics.com.